I didn't see this coming until just recently.  I don't know if it's a by-product of fibromyalgia or not, but my ability to absorb stressors without problems is at best weak.  I love living at my daughter's home, don't get me wrong!  My reasons for coming her to begin with were compelling and there was no question that I needed to do it.  I fully expected to spend the rest of my days with this family, being absorbed into their household with all it's love, laughter, silliness, high energy, did I mention love?  Now I find I'm so homesick for Nebraska and my independence that it borders on panic.  I've learned that my need to live on my own, with my own way of doing things, my own schedules and systems, my old and long term friends and a well established support system is more than just a quirk that I will outgrow.

I am afraid that if I were to stay, I would deplete my paltry savings within the next 6 months just keeping my car running and my teeth in my head because of the high cost of living here!  Then, what with the fibromyalgia, I would soon not be able to make it up the stairs from my living space to the newly remodeled kitchen.  I was so looking forward to preparing the family evening meals in this wonderful new kitchen.  The stove and fridge alone are marvels, not to mention the extraordinary workmanship of Jan from Slovakia, remodeler extraordinaire.

My daughter and husband have the most wonderful friends and neighbors here and the community was welcoming and kind to me.  The weekly rotating Friday Happy Hour  provided a great end to the work week for everyone with wine, laughter, great food and a sense of belonging.  The park that this neighborhood borders on has a sweet little spring fed creek and trails that must be hundreds of years old where I walk the family dog daily.  What more could one ask for - I ask you.

My sense that if I do not go back to Nebraska very soon, I would not be able to afford to make it back at all.  I find myself needing to be back there rather than just feeling homesick.  I realize I'm a very fortunate person and I'm grateful for all that I've been given in this life.  It wasn't all easy mind you and it's had it's share of awful pain and betrayals too numerous to mention.  But I survived it, learned from most of it, albeit a little late, and I feel like I still have things to accomplish before I'm done with this incarnation.

I was afraid the kids would take on the blame as kids are wont to do when there is a disruption in the family.  My grandson, the sweet and amazing Gage shared with his mother that he thought it must be his fault (he is a bit challenging sometimes).  We are reassuring him that it is not him - it's me!  I'm just not as resilient as I used to be and I need a quieter, calmer, more independent lifestyle than I am able to have here in order to manage my health condition.

My daughter and son-in-law have taken this in stride as they do all things and support me in my decision.  So I'm in the process of packing up my things and getting my car ready for the trek back to the prairie.  I know this is not going to be an easy transition, as I've moved back to Nebraska so many times over the last thirty years that I know the process by heart.

I will never forget my time here and I've learned so much about the daughter that I didn't have a chance to raise - been given the opportunity to bond with her and her children.  She was raised by an Aunt.  Back in the day when a girl had a child out of wedlock while still in high school, there were few options open to her.  I never got over it.  It's hard now not to look at my having to leave as a failure on my part, but another part of me is so very grateful for having had this time with her.

When I get back to my secure place, I will fulfill a promise to myself to write the stories that need to be told.  Not as a means of striking back at the universe for all the unfairness I felt fighting through it, but as a means of coming to terms with my life in a way that will educate others and maybe help to right some of the wrongs we shouldn't have to bear.