[ ]   [ ]   [ ]                        [ ]      [ ]   [ ]

Things You Thought Today - Th1nk1ngTh1ng - Nov 9, 2024 - 7:40pm
 
2024 Elections! - R_P - Nov 9, 2024 - 7:14pm
 
Agents of TRUTH - kurtster - Nov 9, 2024 - 6:31pm
 
Heroes - sirdroseph - Nov 9, 2024 - 4:42pm
 
Canada - sirdroseph - Nov 9, 2024 - 4:33pm
 
What Are You Going To Do Today? - rgio - Nov 9, 2024 - 3:21pm
 
Trump - ColdMiser - Nov 9, 2024 - 2:53pm
 
Live Music - oldviolin - Nov 9, 2024 - 2:46pm
 
Other Medical Stuff - Manbird - Nov 9, 2024 - 2:39pm
 
Song of the Day - oldviolin - Nov 9, 2024 - 2:07pm
 
NYTimes Connections - rgio - Nov 9, 2024 - 10:41am
 
Wordle - daily game - rgio - Nov 9, 2024 - 10:40am
 
Photos you have taken of yourself - oldviolin - Nov 9, 2024 - 10:26am
 
Name My Band - Isabeau - Nov 9, 2024 - 9:59am
 
What Did You See Today? - islander - Nov 9, 2024 - 9:40am
 
Things that make you go Hmmmm..... - islander - Nov 9, 2024 - 9:31am
 
Radio Paradise Comments - Isabeau - Nov 9, 2024 - 9:04am
 
Today in History - Red_Dragon - Nov 9, 2024 - 8:35am
 
Strips, cartoons, illustrations - ColdMiser - Nov 9, 2024 - 7:39am
 
Democratic Party - kurtster - Nov 9, 2024 - 6:32am
 
Feminism: Catch the (Third?) Wave! - sirdroseph - Nov 9, 2024 - 5:43am
 
Russia - R_P - Nov 8, 2024 - 11:38pm
 
Kamala Harris - kurtster - Nov 8, 2024 - 8:44pm
 
Ukraine - R_P - Nov 8, 2024 - 8:41pm
 
Alexa Skill - Milhouse - Nov 8, 2024 - 8:11pm
 
Pop Pop Pop - KurtfromLaQuinta - Nov 8, 2024 - 8:11pm
 
Wish List - Wishful Thinking - Tag-a-song - Casper - Nov 8, 2024 - 8:05pm
 
Two Things - Manbird - Nov 8, 2024 - 6:52pm
 
LeftWingNutZ - R_P - Nov 8, 2024 - 6:33pm
 
• • • The Once-a-Day • • •  - oldviolin - Nov 8, 2024 - 6:21pm
 
Little known information... maybe even facts - oldviolin - Nov 8, 2024 - 6:16pm
 
illegal immigrants - R_P - Nov 8, 2024 - 2:55pm
 
COVID-19 - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 8, 2024 - 1:11pm
 
Bug Reports & Feature Requests - alain3103 - Nov 8, 2024 - 11:49am
 
Media Bias - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 8, 2024 - 11:07am
 
Art Show - Proclivities - Nov 8, 2024 - 10:25am
 
One Partying State - Wyoming News - islander - Nov 8, 2024 - 8:32am
 
November 2024 Photo Theme - Monochrome - thisbody - Nov 8, 2024 - 5:58am
 
• • • Things Magicians Exclaim • • •  - Manbird - Nov 7, 2024 - 3:23pm
 
Derplahoma! - Red_Dragon - Nov 7, 2024 - 3:02pm
 
Internet Radio - ScottFromWyoming - Nov 7, 2024 - 12:19pm
 
TWO WORDS - oldviolin - Nov 7, 2024 - 8:11am
 
Periodic wake up call - oldviolin - Nov 7, 2024 - 7:58am
 
Israel - R_P - Nov 6, 2024 - 10:46pm
 
Thankful - KurtfromLaQuinta - Nov 6, 2024 - 4:55pm
 
What did you have for lunch? - oldviolin - Nov 6, 2024 - 4:49pm
 
What's On Your Desk Right Now? - oldviolin - Nov 6, 2024 - 4:07pm
 
Poetry Forum - Antigone - Nov 6, 2024 - 2:55pm
 
260,000 Posts in one thread? - buddy - Nov 6, 2024 - 1:22pm
 
Camera for Serious Beginner on Tight Budget - oldviolin - Nov 6, 2024 - 11:55am
 
NY Times Strands - Proclivities - Nov 6, 2024 - 6:37am
 
Joan As Policewoman in Barcelona - miamizsun - Nov 6, 2024 - 4:04am
 
Nuclear power - saviour or scourge? - miamizsun - Nov 5, 2024 - 2:05pm
 
Musky Mythology - R_P - Nov 5, 2024 - 1:19pm
 
USA! USA! USA! - R_P - Nov 5, 2024 - 12:43pm
 
Baseball, anyone? - steeler - Nov 5, 2024 - 12:18pm
 
Coffee - miamizsun - Nov 5, 2024 - 10:14am
 
Radio Paradise NFL Pick'em Group - miamizsun - Nov 5, 2024 - 7:43am
 
Robots - miamizsun - Nov 5, 2024 - 7:39am
 
The Obituary Page - geoff_morphini - Nov 4, 2024 - 4:27pm
 
The Image Post - Beaker - Nov 4, 2024 - 10:56am
 
Earthquake - Steely_D - Nov 3, 2024 - 2:31pm
 
Define Reality - oldviolin - Nov 3, 2024 - 2:29pm
 
Favorite Quotes - R_P - Nov 3, 2024 - 1:13pm
 
Floyd forum - thisbody - Nov 3, 2024 - 12:27pm
 
(Big) Media Watch - Red_Dragon - Nov 3, 2024 - 12:15pm
 
The war on funk is over! - thisbody - Nov 3, 2024 - 9:20am
 
Election Predictions - miamizsun - Nov 3, 2024 - 7:58am
 
Billionaires - miamizsun - Nov 3, 2024 - 7:55am
 
Lyrics that strike a chord today... - oldviolin - Nov 3, 2024 - 7:35am
 
Download favorites by date - galumootil - Nov 3, 2024 - 6:36am
 
Add Serenity channel to vTuner - Notelrac - Nov 3, 2024 - 5:53am
 
Chromecast streaming problem on RP Android app - msolive - Nov 3, 2024 - 12:28am
 
What happened to RPHD slideshow? - tomcool - Nov 2, 2024 - 9:22am
 
Mixtape Culture Club - miamizsun - Nov 2, 2024 - 8:38am
 
Index » Radio Paradise/General » General Discussion » ~ Have a good joke you can post? ~ Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 311, 312, 313  Next
Post to this Topic
Coaxial

Coaxial Avatar

Location: Comfortably numb in So Texas
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 24, 2024 - 5:38am

 islander wrote:
 Bill_J wrote:
But if they slap you at low frequency you couldn't hear it.
No, just hertz less.
 
Watt?
islander

islander Avatar

Location: West coast somewhere
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 21, 2024 - 7:10pm

 Bill_J wrote:


But if they slap you at low frequency you couldn't hear it.


No, just hertz less.
Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Sep 21, 2024 - 7:05pm

 miamizsun wrote:
what happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?

it hertz


But if they slap you at low frequency you couldn't hear it.
miamizsun

miamizsun Avatar

Location: (3283.1 Miles SE of RP)
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 21, 2024 - 6:50am

what happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?

it hertz
black321

black321 Avatar

Location: An earth without maps
Gender: Male


Posted: Mar 7, 2024 - 12:17pm

A child asked his father, “what’s a democrat?”

The father replied, “someone who wants everything you have, except your job!”
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Sep 18, 2023 - 2:21pm

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deck hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's The guy I'm here to talk to, the mentally challenged one."

BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"



Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 6:23pm

 thisbody wrote:

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, “Tell Kennedy he’s holding the message upside down.”



Osama, Ted Kennedy, and Peter Noone? I'm lost. 

thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Location: out of space
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 3:06pm

After numerous rounds of, “We don’t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, “Tell Kennedy he’s holding the message upside down.”
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 12:59pm

 Bill_J wrote:

My wife called out from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing at it?"
I replied, No."
After a short pause she then asked, "How about now?"





Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 12:39pm

My wife called out from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is stabbing at it?"
I replied, No."
After a short pause she then asked, "How about now?"
lily34

lily34 Avatar

Location: GTFO
Gender: Female


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 11:58am

 thisbody wrote:

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”




  
thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Location: out of space
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 31, 2023 - 11:53am

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2023 - 2:08pm

 oldviolin wrote:



We used to have his records at home before he became a bumpkin Graham Kerr. He was originally doing safety lectures at the refinery, and found that they'd listen to him when he did the funny character. Eventually, a legendary stand up. Then, in his old age, a PBS chef. 
His albums were mandatory at many a drunken parents' party. 

oldviolin

oldviolin Avatar

Location: esse quam videri
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2023 - 9:15am


thisbody

thisbody Avatar

Location: out of space
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 30, 2023 - 7:58am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Jul 29, 2023 - 5:33pm

 Manbird wrote:

Hello darkness my old friend...



I stood up too fast again



And my vision's slowly fading
and other senses are degrading...
Manbird

Manbird Avatar

Location: La Villa Toscana
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 29, 2023 - 4:03pm

Hello darkness my old friend...



I stood up too fast again
DaveInSaoMiguel

DaveInSaoMiguel Avatar

Location: No longer in a hovel in effluent Damnville, VA
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 29, 2023 - 11:30am

An oldie but a goodie...

Jim Mooney had been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS. He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him.

Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income. You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”

“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”

The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”

Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible.

“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”

At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it. The auditor sits there in stunned silence, Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye, thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet.

So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye. The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous.

“Want to go again?” asks Jim.. “What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor. Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”

The auditor, realizing now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.

Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him.

However, Jim’s attorney in obvious pain puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk.

“What’s the matter?” asked the auditor. “When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Steely_D

Steely_D Avatar

Location: Biscayne Bay
Gender: Male


Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 6:32pm

 Bill_J wrote:
That was horrible. IMHO.

Yep. Not sure what was "funny" about it. Of course, don't know if mine was any better...

Bill_J

Bill_J Avatar



Posted: Jul 28, 2023 - 5:43pm

 thisbody wrote:
An old joke, befitting a sense of oneself, often portrayed in public:

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?”
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘‘wrong’’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘‘asshole’’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’'re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘‘asshole’’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’'d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
He said, “Yes, it is.” I asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?”

He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
I asked, “What’'s your name?”
He said, “My name is Don Hansen,”
I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
He said, “I’'m home every evening after five.”
I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
He said, “Yes?”
I said, “Don, you’re an asshole!”

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole 1.
He said, “Hello.”
I said, “You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’'t hang up.)
He asked, “Are you still there?”
I said, “Yeah,”
He screamed, “Stop calling me,”
I said, “Make me,”
He asked, “Who are you?”
I said, “My name is Don Hansen.”
He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?”

I said, “Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’'m really scared, asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called Asshole no. 2.
He said, “Hello?”
I said, “Hello, asshole,”
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
I said, “You’ll what?”
He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass,” I answered, “Well, asshole, here’‘s your chance. I’'m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!


That was horrible. IMHO.
Page: 1, 2, 3 ... 311, 312, 313  Next